Well, it's Christmas again. I should be happy; I have a loving boyfriend, friends who think the world of me, and a family who adores me most of the time. But it always depresses me at this time of year.
I guess it's because when I was younger, Christmas was a joyous time for me. We'd go to my great-grandmother's family party and it was amazing to see everyone that you only get to see once a year or so; sometimes they came over on Easter, but that was about it. We'd all exchange gifts and talk about the past year and be happy. My great-grandmother passed away when I was in 5th grade, suddenly as a matter of fact; no one expected her to, although she was 73 I believe.
And even before that, my grandmother my mother and I lived with killed herself on Mother's Day when I was 7. Since then, my life hasn't been the same. Is it bad that I can still hear her talking to me, calling me "Dolly" like she used to? You better believe I was a devastated little girl after that. Gah, even thinking and writing about it is bringing me back...I could've stopped her, I know I could've. I could've stayed inside that day, but being me, I had to be outside, picking and arranging flowers for various occasions [yes, I was a practical little kid, even though I didn't play much; I was too busy with ballet and all the dance classes I was taking, as well as the occasional talent competition I got entered in]. But no, I had to be me...why?! She'd still be here...and I'd have someone else who cared about me. And my great-grandmother was her mother. No mother should have to bury their child; it's just not right. And the fact that she killed herself didn't help me.
But whatever. This year's going to be different, and I know I say that each year, but this time I'm dead serious. I'm going to attempt being actually happy, not just the happiness that comes from years of acting classes and plays. Richard♥ brings so much happiness into my life, it's illegal =P It's like I can't be upset when I'm talking to him; it's not allowed. It's amazing, and I love him so much for everything he's helped me through. Without him, I'd be a depressed emo kid again, and I don't want to be that anymore =]
This does bring me into something that is completely off-topic of my subject, but I just don't understand why people want to sabotage my relationship with Richard♥. It's like I can't be happy or something. My sister told Krystina that Richard♥ and I screwed, which WE DIDN'T, and she flipped out and yelled at Richard♥. That would've been alright with me, but his mother was reading the conversation and she now thinks I'm a dirty whore or something because apparently I'm screwing Richard♥. If needed, I'll prove I'm still a virgin; why is that so hard to believe? Yes, I've kissed guys; yes, I've made out; yes, I've touched things...that doesn't mean I've had sex, because I haven't. I don't plan on it for a long time still and I know Richard♥ feels the same way; sex is one of the last things on our minds. I hope people understand that. And I hope his mother can forgive me...or something...because I can't lose him. Without him, I'm nothing.
So with all that, I wish you all a Merry Christmas and happiness XD
until next we meet...
♥*
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Now playing: CHIODOS - Intensity In Ten Cities
via FoxyTunes
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